Kovixen

On Saturday we were invited to a new moms bbq. I decided I had to leave this nice, safe place I call home and once again attempt to leave and remind myself that I am a person. So we get there, and all is well. There are a few other couples, some cute babies, and some nice conversation. But then all of a sudden the masses arrives, like another seven couples. There were people and babies all over, and I knew none of their names but they all knew each others. I haven't felt so uncomfortable in a long time. Everyone was talking about babies, I wanted to talk about anything but babies. I wanted to be a part of the in crowd, but I had no idea what to say to them to make them like it. Turns out what I thought was a reunion of sorts for our childbirth class was really more of an event for the new moms group that some people had paid for at the hospital (I refused, there's a free one in town, why spend $75?). So I was literally the odd one out.

This really made me realize that I need to work on my people skills, as I've totally forgotten how to start up a conversation with someone in the past three months. I also realized that I'm maybe not 100% ready to enter the real world again. I found the whole night so stressful. I kept eating because I didn't know what to say in the pauses. Also, I hurt my wrist bouncing Andy (hurts to type even now), and I didn't have the guts to just nurse him there.

I'm a little disappointed to be honest. Before I gave birth, I had this great vision of a perfect smiling baby and tons of new friendships that I would make once I had a child. I'd be busy but having a grand old time in my new life. I'd be the one organizing lunches, starting a moms and tots group with my alum association, maybe even starting a knitting club for moms. But no, if I want to do anything, I have to get ready not only physically but mentally.

I'm now chastizing myself for not thinking up questions to ask everyone at that bbq. The only thing I could think of was "How's your baby sleeping?" which is the worst question for me to ask. They will always ask the same in response, and what am I supposed to say? I am the luckiest person in the world because my 2 1/2 month old sleeps 10 hours straight AND puts himself to sleep on his own? Yeah, great way to make friends. I'm not sure how to say that without bragging. Lie I guess. So after doing that once, I realized I had nothing to ask and just smiling dumbly at people.

I'm finally starting to get into the rhythm of being a mom, after 11 weeks of being one. Part of me thinks I wasn't ready to be, although I'm obviously happy with how things have turned out. I really think there should be a mom boot camp though. You have to take care of someone else's baby, including strapping on fake boobs and trying to get the damn thing to latch on when it refuses, waking up every two hours, and having to give up who you once were. Then maybe I'd realize that one reason women are having kids so much later may be because they are more mature and able to suck it up. For me, that was the hardest part, feeling like Laura was gone and replaced by a robot. And that is why now I now want to try and get myself back now that I have the time. Since I can't run to the gym when I want to, or just randomly plan and host an alum event, the best way to do it is to find other women like me (even if they are all considerably older) and be their friends. In the real world, most people become friends because of convenience anyway. It's just like work friends really, except our jobs are much more demanding (although luckily the office politics aren't so bad). I probably won't stay friends with these women if I move, but I should try to find others I share something in common with and stop being such a hermit. At least that is what I'm trying to convince myself of. Hermiting is safe, it's a hard habit to break.