Kovixen

Oh, how I've missed my blog. I really don't know how anyone finds the time to blog with a baby. If I blog, I'm not doing something else I should be, like writing thank you notes or cleaning the house. I've written a thousand entries in my mind, I just wish I could communicate with moveable type while I'm nursing.

It's so funny the ups and downs of being a new mother. I had a great week last week, but Saturday made me super depressed. I'm not even sure why, although Anderson was exceptionally fussy. Peter mostly took care of him, and I just moped and cried. Luckily, I've been better since. This week has gone pretty well. I even had Andy all day long because Peter went to game night and got home after we were in bed. I think I'm starting to get a handle on all of this! Yay!!!

I hope everyone had a great Father's Day. I got Peter a framed picture of his mother. It had been in an ancient frame that was falling apart, and we'd never hung it up. So I got it put in a much nicer frame and preserved somehow too. He seemed very very happy to have it. His mother died when he was four, and he has no memories of her at all. Not a single one. I've been thinking about how hard that must be for him, and how hard it must have been for his mother to know she wasn't going to see her children grow up. Did she worry about how his life would turn out? Did she tell him she loved him repeatedly and ask him not to forget her? Really, this could drive me insane if I thought about it. I know that even if something were to happen to me, Andy would be ok. He has a great father, great extended family, and tons of love. And I think I've given him the best beginning that I could have. But the idea of him not knowing me at all is so scary. I want to be more than his mother, I want to be his friend as well (although mother first obviously). I have such a great friendship with my mother, I really hope to have that with Andy one day. The thought of him not experiencing that, but worse not knowing who I am, what I like, or knowing how much I really love him is just so upsetting. And I wonder if these thoughts went through Peter's mother's mind before she died.

Peter is very lucky that his father remarried a wonderful woman who raised him as her own and gave him tons of love and support. And I know that Andy would have the same. But I'm still considering writing him a letter every month or two to let him know that I love him anyway, more than anyone else ever will.