Kovixen

As it is morning and I have no life, I went straight to Bloglines (after checking out the GC excitement-by posting that a link didn't work I'm an evil Alpha Phi, how fun!). The last blogs I read are by people I don't know. I'm not sure why that is, maybe because I like to leave my favorites for the end. I do that with everything after all. I also need to read my blogs in a group together. I can't read one in news then one in cooking then one in friends. Like food, I need to finish one up entirely before going on to the next. Only during Thanksgiving do I allow mixing.

So I read dooce's blog, which is her writing about her daughter who is now 18 months old. Before I know it, I'm crying like mad. I'm not sure why exactly. She is a very good writer, and I can totally empathize with everything that she says. But I think part of it is that I'm very jealous. I want to be pregnant, I want a baby. I always thought that people who cry over such things were insane, but here I am doing so right this very second. My temperature dipped today, the exact opposite of what I want it to be doing. It actually dipped a whole lot, but I refused to accept it and took my temp again, and it raised 3/10 of a degree. That still is lower than I want it to be. I think I'm about to get my period. I know that I wasn't getting my hopes up this month (month and a half really), and I didn't. But still, I had that sign, and it was a big one, and I really thought being pregnant was a possibility. Now I'm afraid that it isn't, and I need to try again next month. Every month I have some sign, and they are always false.

I know this is a self pity post, and I'm sorry for it. This is my first time crying over not being pregnant, and I needed to let it out. I never truly understood how emotional this experience would be for me. I'm also sorry that my mom has to read this, my going through this is hard for her too.