Kovixen

I sat down with my low calorie lunch and decided to read Tony Pierce. I find I prefer reading him with something to eat, probably because I end up sitting down for a long time, and I'm always hungry. I had something like four or five entries to read because I didn't want to read blogs this weekend, just like I didn't want to watch tv or be on the computer or go to the movies or do anything except lie in bed.

Now, Tony always has interesting things to say, and everything he writes seems to be very thought out. He's a very articulate man, much more than I will ever be (and no, that isn't me saying something bad about myself, I just know what my flaws are as well as all the wonderfulness that is Laura). In those four or five posts I read, he made me think of all these things that I want to write about. I was getting afraid that I'd lost my blog eye. I couldn't think of a damn thing to write about besides how I wish I knew whether I am pregnant or not (still don't). But after reading Tony, I have a thousand things to say. I think this shows what a good blogger he is, he makes us think and examine, and I feel that he's talking to me specifically a lot. I think this is why I read his blog, besides the fact that he's funny and a good writer and always has interesting things to say.

Ok, this post is not supposed to be a Tony lovefest though. I want to actually write about some of the things that came to me when I read his blog today. Here is a quote of his:

im a devout Christian but im not so sure about forgiveness. if youve fucked me over and you want me to forgive you you need to write your apology out, cut your finger and dip your thumb in the blood and stamp it next to your signature, and maybe i will forgive you. if youre lucky.

but if youve done me right i will be there for you day or night, at all hours, your faults will be strengths, your blemishes will be beautiful, i will tell you repeatedly that i love you and i will mean it and i will defend you and fight for you and when i fight i win because how dare anyone even consider trying to go toe to toe with us.

I find this quote so fascinating because it is me to a T, except the Christian part. I can be the biggest bitch, hold grudges for years (which I have done to one of my best friends), and hate you more than you can imagine if you do me wrong. If you don't know me well, you might think that I am nice and sweet and I love everyone and all of that goodness garbage. But in reality, I am very vocal about those that I have issues with, and those people certainly know it. I expect people to say they are sorry if they do something wrong, and if they do something really really wrong, I expect them to say it over and over again. It's what I do when I make mistakes, because I certainly do all the time. If you don't admit you are wrong, you are not a good person, you are a coward.

However, I am the most loyal person you will ever meet. I am extremely protective of those that I love, both friends and family. If you say something bad about one of those people, I call you out and make you admit that you are wrong. If you refuse to admit to it, you go on my shitlist. Outside of my mother and Peter, who I feel I can show all my emotions all the time to, I will not get mad at you if you are my friend, well, not more than a tiny arguement. I will certainly stand up for myself and my beliefs, but I will always totally respect the other persons beliefs even if they are totally wrong or against what I believe in. One of my best friends is a huge Republican and supports Bush for totally silly and ignorant reasons, but I love her so I can't really object. Another is becoming a doctor and doesn't believe in evolution. I think she's crazy, but I respect her and therefore whatever led her to that conclusion. In fact, these are some of the things that I love about these people. But in anyone else, I find these things to be faults that are hard to overlook.

As longtime readers know, I think about my friends a lot. Too much in fact. I analyse my relationships with other people similarly to how others analyse their romantic relationships. I definitely don't feel like I have the types of friendships that I want most of the time, there is no one outside of Peter and my mother right now that I feel I can tell anything to without the potential for rejection or ridicule. That is ok because I realize I'm lucky to have two people in my life that I can be so free with. But that number was once much higher, and it is sort of sad to realize that my relationships aren't what they used to be. I don't know if it's because I've grown up or because I don't live on campus anymore or because of something about me, but it's something I think I have come to deal with. And I know that this won't be true forever, I love my friends and I am developing some close friendships with people that I never thought I would, which is a great thing.

I think one of the reasons I like blogging so much is because I feel I can be myself and be honest so much more than I can in real life. In reality, I'm shy and quiet much of the time, I'm rarely the center of attention, and I'm not a connector. Neither is my husband, and I think that is weird for a relationship, usually one person is outgoing. Since neither of us are, we tend to be the followers of every group we are in, we don't want to push many buttons because we want to be liked. Well, I really shouldn't speak for him, this may not be true. But it is for me, I want my friends to like me, and I want them to want to do things with me. I am terrified of rejection by them. But on here, that isn't the case. Even though many of them read my blog, I don't care what they think of what I write. I see this as a way of releasing the true Laura, and they can enjoy it or ignore it when they see me, and I won't mind. If they choose not to read my blog, I don't take it as rejection as I would with many other things, and if they disagree with what I write, they can either take me up on it here or not, but they don't do it in person. So this is the side of me that others don't see. It's a great feeling to be myself to my blog, my best friend.