My whole life led up to this

The weekend didn't start out so rosy. I woke up Saturday morning and realized pretty quickly that I had a clogged milk duct in the same breast that I had mastitis twice. I tried to get Andy to drain it, but he wasn't very interested in continuing to suck on a boob that didn't have any milk in it. I didn't have a fever and didn't feel that super weak feeling I had the other times, so I went out on a date with Peter for the first time in over a month (thank you to Danielle for babysitting!!!!!). Sunday I woke up and the blockage had doubled in size. Eek. I again tried to get Andy to work on it to no avail. So I eventually called up the doctor. Although there are eight or more ob's in the group, my own doctor called me back. She doesn't seem particularly nice, so I figured I'd just try to get the medicine and move on. She perscribed me some (after being incredible frustrated that I had no idea what I took before, like I'm supposed to remember which medicines I've heard of when they all sound the same), called it into the pharmacy, and I decided to quickly nurse Andy a bit before trying to find a white top at Old Navy for rush. Low and behold, after that feeding, I no longer had a blocked milk duct.

Now tonight, Peter is watching the Pats game with our friends in Cambridge, and I'm here trying to figure out how to get Andy asleep. Normally it's Peter's job, but I wanted him to go out and have some fun so after a half hour of trying, I decided he'd had enough and sent him away. I tried letting Andy cry (or in this case unfortunately scream) it out, then I bounced him, and finally I decided to nurse him. He seemed to like this the best. He nursed on both sides as he usually does, but he lingered for the first time in a long time. And I miss that. Nursing hasn't been as rewarding lately, and this case of mastitis has made me wonder if I want to continue for much longer. But tonight was great. We had a closeness that I feel we haven't had in a long long time. He would take himself off a bit and look me in the eyes and smile. Then he started talking to me. He's talked a bit in the past, but not as much as I would have thought he would from the little reading I've done. When he talks, it's mostly to himself, the little insect things that hang from his car seat, etc. So looking me in the eyes and talking to me just melted my heart.

He just turned 24 weeks old this evening, and I'm thinking back to when he was first born. Exactly 24 weeks ago this minute we had just gotten our room in post-partum, Peter had just finished calling everyone, and we were now alone in our room with a baby. As I had no experience with babies or children or anyone younger than me at all, I had no idea what to do. Who was this little thing that cried and had gross poops and kept his eyes shut all the time? I knew that many mothers didn't feel a huge connection to their children immediately upon birth, but looking at Andy (whom I couldn't even name until the day we left the hospital), I just didn't understand how I'd ever feel that deep love for him that I thought I would. I did love him, but more in a way that I had to. Sort of like you love your sibling that you have no connection to (not that I personally have experienced that, don't worry Terry!).

So tonight, holding him in my arms, nursing him, and thinking back, I'm just totally overwhelmed with emotion. I cannot believe how much I love Andy. He is my life, and while I sometimes wish for more personal time and more sleep, I wouldn't trade any of it. He is all that matters. I never thought I'd say this, but I feel like I've given up friendships, my commitment to my sorority, the relationship I had with my husband for the past 11 years (although a beautiful new one is forming, although it is different), and my sanity, but I'm content with this. The rest just doesn't mean to me what it once did. I have fallen in love with the most perfect person in the universe, and I just want to get to know him more. There is so much coming that I am so excited for I can barely stand it. I can't wait for more of his personality to come out, to find out what his favorite color is, what tv shows he likes, which clothes he prefers, who his friends are, who he is. How I lived for 27 years not knowing the most important person in my life is beyond me, but I am the happiest person alive knowing that the rest of my life will be spent knowing this beautiful creature.